Tips and Tricks for a Courteous Life

by Graceann Macleod

I've been lamenting a remarkable lack of civility for some time now, and I've even written about it here once before.  Perhaps a primer is in order, with some specifics that will, maybe unfortunately, give you a window into my pet peeves.  So here, presented in my biased and completely unscientific manner, is a list of “Pleases” that may go unnoticed by the rude people with whom you share your world, but might make you feel like a better person for putting them into practice.

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" --

she always called me Elwood -- "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or

oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

James Stewart, as Elwood P. Dowd, Harvey (1950)

Please

Say Please and Thank You.  It's such a simple thing, but my goodness does it go a long way.  It's so easy to rush through one's day and forget the basics, but this really is a no-brainer, and there's no good reason not to take part.

Smile.  There used to be a chain email that went around years ago, about how someone smiled at someone, and then that someone smiled at yet another someone, and by the end of the day numerous spirits were lifted.  It seems trite, but it truly does make a difference when the cashier at the check-out counter, or the person who moves out of your way so that you can leave the bus, takes that split-second to make eye contact and smile.  Keep it brief; there's a fine line between a friendly smile and the discomfiting stare of a serial killer.  But please don't eliminate it altogether.  So many people walk through their day as if someone just punched them; please don't be one of them. 

Hold the Door.  I say this as a feminist and an independent person.  Hold the door for the person behind you regardless of their gender or age.  Nothing says “I care only about myself” quite as clearly as a door slamming in the next person's face. 

Explore the Beauty of an Unexpressed Thought.  How many of us have been told completely unnecessary unpleasant things, with the excuse that “it's true?”  The truth of something doesn't require you to say it.  If you are actually asked your opinion, of course be diplomatically truthful, but unless someone says “what do you think?” chances are they don't want to hear what you think, as difficult as that may be to believe.  It's a cliché, but it became a cliché because there's a touch of truth in it:  “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.”   What you mutter sotto voce to your partner is a whole different matter, of course.  

Allow Others to Speak.  How many gatherings have you attended where there seems to be only one person speaking (or “holding forth,” as my mother used to say) and the rest of the attendees are stuck in enforced silence due to the domination of the conversation?  You may be surprised to hear this, but unless you're Oscar Wilde, chances are the other folks aren't finding you fascinating; they're finding you boorish. 

Share the Credit.  Not a person on this Planet got to any good place in their life by themselves.  From the person who gave you your first job to the spouse who brought you your cup of coffee this morning, there are quite literally thousands of people who helped you on your journey.  When you reach a milestone in your journey, be sure to acknowledge the friends, family and strangers who helped you get there.  We don't do this nearly as often as we think we do, or should.

Hide Your Light (A Little).  If you discovered the cure for cancer, by all means, tell us about it (taking into account the immediately previous tip – you know you didn't do it alone).  However, if most of your sentences start “It was my idea to” or “I stepped in and rescued...” or “they only do that because I did it first,” you really do need to get over yourself.  Save the triumphal shout for the truly big moments, and use it very, very sparingly, or I promise you people will just stop listening. 

Leave The Electronics in Your Pocket, and Turned Off.  Unless you are a physician on call, when you sit down to a meal or an evening with friends, the electronics need to be put away for the duration.  Nothing Stephen Fry tweets is as important as the beloveds who are sharing their time with you, and not much feels more like a slap in the face than being shown that, while you're enjoying the visit, you want to keep your options open just in case something more interesting pops up on your little tiny screen.  It's rude with a capital R.  So is actually taking a call while you are dining with someone.  I was once having lunch with someone, and her cellphone rang.  She said “excuse me” and began to answer.  I said “no.”  She looked at me as if I had three heads, and demanded explanation.  I said “I only have an hour with you before I have to go back to work, and I'm not going to waste it staring at my salad while you chat with your sister.”  She didn't get it, she continued to be clueless with regard to common courtesy, and we are no longer friends. 

Keep Your Private Conversations Just That.  Nobody else on the bus wants to know your business, so please don't intrude in our lives with mundane and/or disturbing cellphone discussions regarding your ETA and/or bodily functions/diseases.  At best we're just annoyed and at worst we're now creeped out by you. 

Keep Your Guesses regarding Hair Coloring and Family Planning to Yourself.  A co-worker once shouted down the hall at me, “did you dye your hair?!”  Well, the answer to that is yes, but the fact that I wanted to cover my greys was not something that I was keen to publicize.  The fact that you also color your hair does not excuse your sharing my grooming habits with the office.  Even more sensitively, never, never, never ask any woman who hasn't shown you her sonogram photos and said “we're so excited about the baby that's on the way!” “when's your baby due?”  As a woman of substance who has been asked this question and had to answer “never; I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat,” I can tell you it's tremendously unpleasant.

Take the High Road.  It's tempting to delve into name-calling and ad hominem attacks when you are passionate on an issue.  When you do, you lose all credibility and intelligent people stop listening to you.  Keep it peaceful.  Keep it on point.  Keep it related to your own experience only, and don't try to extrapolate to a segment of the population about whom you know nothing.  The other person's appearance, parentage or life choices rarely have anything to do with the conversation, so leave it out.  Fighting (or as I like to call it “energetic discussion”) is sometimes necessary to clear the air and solve an issue; nothing will be solved if it degenerates into schoolyard taunts. 

Let the Other Speaker Finish Before Sharing Your Thought.  Your mommy taught you not to interrupt for a reason, and there no expiration date on that rule.  If you interrupt me, that just tells me that you would rather hear the sound of your own voice than have a conversation.  We all interrupt, due to passion for getting the ideas out there, from time to time.  In that event, catch yourself, apologize and let the other person continue and complete their thought.  Trust me; it's much nicer not to be a jerk. 

Wow, that turned out to be a longer list than I anticipated.  In actuality, it boils down to some very simple standbys.  Be good to each other.  Remember (and use) the simple rules your parents taught you when you were a toddler.  Be present when interacting with those who love you.  Send courtesy out into the world so that you have a better chance of brightening your little corner of it. 

Thank You.